It has come to my attention that yet another old cartoon is getting a face-lift and being presented to a new generation. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are coming to Nickelodeon this month! Now, our kids will be able to experience for themselves the things we knew and loved!
It's genius, really. Nostalgia kicks in, and the parents are off running to buy themselves—er, their kids—the latest overpriced merchandise. But what are they really selling us? Lies, I tell you! Lies!
Think about it. The these turtles were teenage ninjas back in 1987. Even allowing that they were as young as fifteen back then, that makes them at least forty, people! Teenagers? I think not.
This is the thought that ran through my head last weekend as my son as had five stitches placed in his finger. That's right, folks. My thirteen year old son was going through a traumatic experience, and instead of offering him words of love and comfort, I distracted him with aging turtles. And guess what? It worked! Now who's the genius, eh?
As the nice ER doctor infused the wound with lidocaine, I dubbed the boys in green the “Midlife Crisis Ninja Turtles” and asked my son how this would differ from the original version. Five stitches later, we had righted the wrongs of the animated world.
Our turtles hadn't fared so well. They were all either divorced or cheating on their spouse with a younger woman. (You know, the hot young thing they picked up in their new red sports car.) By some miracle of nature, their bald heads had sprouted enough hair to create nifty comb-overs. They spent too much time at the gym, drank lots of Gatorade, and tried to fit in with the hipper new MMA crowd. Their new “friends” thought they were a big joke.
Thank god the doctor was quick with a needle. I shudder to think what we may have done to the poor Scooby Gang!
Heather Cichos is a writer of the highest order (supersize those fries, please!) and speaks in fluent Moviequotish. She finds Jay Baruchel strangely attractive, but is unimpressed by George Clooney. (Exception: back when he was in “The Facts of Life”. Yeah, she's that old.) She is also a staunch supporter of shrink-ray technology. Isn't everything cute in miniature?