As
I age, I find myself more and more affected by smells. The clean
scent of ozone in the air makes cleaning house a happy chore. Eau de
litter box makes baking cookies a mediocre task at best. The sense of
smell evokes the strongest memories, and makes me wonder: Do elves
smell nice?
And
if I’m going to talk about elves, would this font be more
appropriate? (I looked for “Elvish”, but this is the closest I
found. For the record, Word 2010 also comes sans “Klingon”. Alas,
I love my italics
too much to change to a font that doesn’t due them justice. Anyway, where
was I?)
If
I were to journey to Middle Earth (Shut up! It could happen!), what
would the natives smell like? Would their powerful B.O. precede them
into a room? Would it linger on their departure?
My first experience
with Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy led me to
believe Aragorn was a straight up hottie, but in retrospect, I have
my doubts. Sure, he looked
great, but what he smell
like?
Do the men of Middle Earth even have access to deodorant? Mr.
Jackson is far too classy to show them going off the path to take a
leak in the woods, but you
know
they did. (OMG! I’ll bet they didn’t even have toilet paper! No,
I can’t go there…) So dare I hope they had Forest Fresh Battle
Axe for men in those travel packs of theirs? Man-sweat may appear
attractive, but it can shrivel your nose hairs!
I
can picture all those hot, sweaty battle scenes even now. Aragorn
swings Anduril (that’s his sword, peeps) in an arc, his whole body
following through on the motion. His hair whips across his face,
sending droplets of sweat flying dramatically across the screen. That
stringy hair may look sexy on camera, but when’s the last time he
had a good shampoo? I’ll bet his scalp smells like a teenaged
boy’s favorite hat, all sour and oily. He needs to lather, rinse,
repeat repeat repeat!
I
don’t recall Legolas ever looking like he needed to improve upon
his personal hygiene habits. And you won’t catch Elrond looking
“not so fresh”. Which leads me back to the question:
Do elves
smell nice? I bet they do. I have
to believe that.
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Heather Cichos is a staunch supporter
of mandatory Underoos for adults. She flosses religiously and
believes her dentist is secretly trying to kill her. She doesn't like
to buy sympathy cards because they don't make funny ones, and hasn't
been bungee jumping with Mel Brooks in ages.
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