This is what depression and PTSD feel like. But the thing to remember about depression AND the torturer is that they are both liars. Lying liars who lie. Some of you will be freed by therapy, others by medications, some by both, others still by the passing of time. Or the reading of books, general intake of fresh air...you...you get the idea, right? It's different for everyone.
But it's not forever. No matter how you may feel today. Hang on through the pain. Next time the monster takes hold, remember to talk back.